Omigod You Guys

Margot
(Writing in a card)
Dear Elle; He's a lucky guy--
I'm, like, gonna cry--
I got tears coming out of my nose!
Mad props! He's the campus catch:
You're a perfect match,
'Cause you've both got such great taste
in clothes!
Of COURSE we will propose!

Serena
Dear Elle honey, Mazel tov!
Future's taking off...
Bring that ring back and show it to me!

Pilar
Four carats of princess cut
Are you psyched or what?
I just wish I could be there to see...

Margot/Serena/Pilar
When he gets down on one knee!

Delta Nus
Oh. My. God. Omigod you guys,
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize!
If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies.
Omigod you guys!
Oh my god! This is happening,
Our own homecoming queen and king.

Finally she'll be trying on
A huge engagement ring for size
Omigod you guys!
Omigod!

Pilar
Okay... everybody sign?
Good. Now fall in line
And we'll start the engagement parade.

Serena
Light candles and single file.
Don't forget to smile.
Lose the gum, Kate, you look like the
maid!

Kate
Sorry.

Serena
Now prepare to serenade!

Margot/Serena/Pilar
Shh!

Delta Nus
Oh. My. God. Omigod you guys!
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize.

Serena
Shh!

Delta Nus
If there ever was a perfect couple,
This one quali--

Serena
SHH!

Delta Nus
Omigod you--

Serena
Guys! I'm serious!

Leilani
Elle and Warner were meant to be.

Cece
Not once ever has he hit on me.

Leilani & Kate
Shut up!

Margot
They're just like that couple from
"Titanic!"
...Only no one dies

Delta Nus
OMIGOD

Kate
(conducting)
Two, three, four!

Delta Nus
Daughter of Delta Nu,
Soon to be fiancee,
Now that a man chose you,
Your life begins today.
Make him a happy home.
Waste not his hard-earned wage.
And, so he does not roam,
Strive not to look your age.
Still, in your hour of need,
Let it be understood:
No man can supersede
Our sacred bond of sisterhood!

Oh my God! Omigod, you g--

Serena
Guys, she's not here.

Margot
Bruiser, where is Elle?

Bruiser
(yaps)

Margot
She doesn't have an engagement outfit?

Bruiser
(yaps)

Margot
She's totally freaking out?!

Bruiser
(yaps)

Margot
She's trapped in the Old Valley Mill?!

Bruiser
(yaps x2)

Margot
Oh, whoops, sorry... the Old Valley Mall?!

Delta Nus
Oh my God, guys: emergency

Serena
Don't take the freeway!

Gabby
Hey wait for me!

Delta Nus
No one should be left alone to dress
And to accessorize

Gabby
Omigod you guys!

Delta Nus
Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!
Omigod!

Elle
It's almost there, but...

This dress needs to seal the deal--
Make a grown man kneel;
But it can't come right out and say
"bride."
--Can't look like I'm desp'rate, or
Like I'm waiting for it.
I've gotta leave Warner his pride.
So "bride" is more... implied.

Serena
There she is!!

Elle
Oh my God! Omigod you guys!
All this week I've had butterflies:
Ev'ry time he looks at me
It's totally Proposal Eyes --
Omigod you guys!
So help me dress for my fairy tale--
Can't wear something I bought on sale!

Serena
Love is, like, forever --
-- This is no time to economize!

Elle & Delta Nus
Omigod you guys!

Saleswoman
Oh, blondes make commission
SO easy...
Excuse me, but have you seen this? It just
came in; it's perfect for a blonde.

Elle
Right, with a half-loop stitch on China
silk?

Saleswoman
Uh huh.

Elle
But the thing is, you can't use a half-loop
stitch on China silk. It'll pucker. And you
didn't just get this in because I saw it in
last May's "Vogue."

Delta Nus
Oh my God. Omigod you guys...

Elle
I'm not about to buy last year's dress at
this year's price.

Delta Nus
...Elle saw right through that salesgirl's
lies.

Elle
It may be perfect for a blonde, but I'm not
THAT blonde.

I may be in love but I'm not stupid, lady:
I've got eyes.

Store Manager
Omigod!
Elle Woods!? Sorry, our mistake --
(to Saleswoman)
Courtney, take your break --
(to Elle)
Just ignore her, she hasn't been well...
Try this! Latest from Milan...
Go on, try it on.
I take care of my best clientele.
It's a gift from me to Elle.

Elle
Oh. My. God. Omigod you guys!
This one's perfect.
And it's just my size!
See? Dreams really do come true.
You never have to compromise.
Omigoood!

Delta Nus
Oh my -
Oh my God. Omigod you guys!
Let's go home before someone cries!
If there ever was a perfect couple, this
one qualifies!
'Cause we love you guys!

Elle
No I love you guys!

Delta Nus
Omigod...!

Elle
Omigod...!

All
Omigod...
You guys!
...Omigod!!!

Serious

Warner
We both know why we're here;
I see it in your eyes.
I guess it calms my fear
To know it's not a surprise.

I thought one look at you,
Looking like a dream come true,
Would leave me speechless like you
always do.

But now we're wide awake,
And we've got some plans to make'
Let's take some action, baby!

So baby give me your hand.
I've got some dreams to make true.
I've got the future all planned.

It's time to get serious,
Time to get serious
With you.

Elle
I never thought that I--

Warner
Uh, honey, I'm not finished.

Elle
Oh, sorry!

Warner
Since I was two or three,
My life was planned out neat.
I'd get my law degree,
And then win my Senate seat.

Elle
Mmmm...

Warner
A big white house back East

Elle
Uh huh...

Warner
All of the amenities.

Elle
Yeah!

Warner
Three kids at least,

Elle
...at least!

Both
Just like the Kennedys!

Warner
Here's where our lives begin.

Elle
Our lives begin...

Warner
But just where do you fit in?

Elle
Fit me in!

Warner
I'll break it down now, baby!
Oh baby give me your hand!

Elle
Here's my hand!
Here's my hand!

Warner
I've got some dreams to make true!

Elle
We both have dreams to make true

Warner
I know that you'll understand,

Elle
Oh yes I understand!

Both
It's time to get serious,
Time to get serious,

Warner
With--
Serious!

Elle
Serious!

Warner
Gotta wake up and
take our journey.
Serious!

Elle
Serious!

Warner
I'm tellin' you as
a future attorney!
You want the moon and sky?
Then take it, don't be shy.

Elle
Okay!

Warner
Baby that's why you and I...

Elle
You and I...

Warner
Should break up!

Elle
Yes, baby, I'll give you my hand;
We-- what??!

You're breaking up with me? I thought
you were proposing.

Warner
Elle, if I'm gonna be a senator when I'm
thirty... I'm gonna need somebody

Serious!
Less of a Marilyn more a Jackie...
Serious!
Somebody classy and not too tacky...

Elle
WHAT?!!

Warner
Okay, that came out wrong...
Baby, let's both be strong
I mean we knew all along--

Elle
Just shut up!
What does that mean, I'm not a Jackie?
I'm not serious? But I am seriously in
love with you.

Warner
Baby, my future's all planned.
I've got some dreams to make true.
I thought that you'd understand:
It's time to get serious...
Time to get serious...

Check, please.

What You Want

Elle
Wait a sec! This is the kind of girl Warner
wants! Someone serious. Someone
lawyerly. Someone who wears black when
nobody's dead! Girls, I have a completely
brilliant plan...

What you want, Warner,
Want you want is me.
But you need to see
Me in a brand new domain.
Well it's plain, Warner,
In a different setting
You will see you're getting
All of this plus a brain!
I'll meet you there at Harvard
With a book in my hand.
Big sturdy book.
Big wordy book.
Full of words I'll understand,
And right there is where you'll
see it too:
Warner, what you want is right
In front of you

Margot/Serena/Pilar
What you want!

Elle
It's clear.

Margot/Serena/Pilar
What you want!

Elle
Right here.

Margot/Serena/Pilar
What you want!

All
Is right in front of you, front of you

Margot/Serena/Pilar
What you want!

Elle
It's clear

Margot/Serena/Pilar
What you want!

Elle
Right here.

Margot/Serena/Pilar
What you want!

All
is right in front of you, front of you

Elle
Step one: he's off to Harvard Law,
So I get in there too.

Margot/Serena/Pilar
Step Two?

Elle
Make Warner reassess:
Impress him with my high IQ.

Margot/Serena/Pilar
Step three?

Elle
We throw a great big wedding,

Margot/Serena/Pilar
And invite all Delta Nu!

Kate
That's great. Nice plan.
Now can we think this through?

Harvard Law School?

Elle
I have a 4.0 average

Kate
Yeah, in fashion merchandising.
What makes you think you can do this?

Elle
Love!
I'm doing this for love,
And love will see me through;
Yes, with love on my side I can't lose,
And Harvard can't refuse
A love so pure and true...
Don't lawyers feel love too?

Kate
Even if they do;
What you want sweetheart,
Is no easy thing. If you're going to swing it,
It will wreck your senior spring.
Yeah, it's true:
First you'll need an LSAT score
Of more than one seventy four.
So no more parties for you.
You'll need a killer essay,
Or do not even hope,
And glowing letters
From your betters--
Any chance you know the Pope?

Elle
Oo...nope.

Kate
Too bad, 'cause that would be a coup.
And you've got a lot of work in front
of you!

Girls
What you want!

Elle
Yes I know.

Kate & Girls
What you want!

Elle
Even so...

Kate & Girls
What you want
Is right in front of you,
Front of you!
What you want!

Margot/Serena/Pilar
Girl, you go!
What you want!

Kate
No really: go.

Girls
What you want is right in front of you,
front of you!

ELLE'S MOM and DAD enter.

Elle's Dad
Law school?!

Elle
Yes, Daddy, Law school.

Elle's Dad
Good God, why? Law school is for
boring, ugly, serious people. And you,
Button, are none of those things.

What you want, Button,
Hey you just say the word--
But what you want's absurd,
And costs a whole lot of swag,
And hell why? Button,
When you can stay right here,
Pursue a film career?

Elle's Mom
How 'bout a nice Birkin bag?

Elle's Dad
Yes! The East coast is foreign:
There's no film studios.
It's cold and dark,
No valet parking,
All the girls have different noses--
Christ! Button, it's like the damn
frontier!

Elle's Dad & Mom
Tell me what's out there that you
Can't get right here?

Elle
Guys, love!

Elle's Dad & Mom
Love?

Elle
I'm going there for love!

Elle's Dad & Mom
Love?

Elle
A love I have to win.

Elle's Dad & Mom
Ah...ah ah ah ah!

Elle
I can live without sun or valet;
I can't just walk away--
Betray what might have been...

Elle's Dad
Fine, okay, I'll pay your way if you get in.

Chorus
What you want!

Elle's Dad & Mom
Make the grade,

Chorus
What you want!

Elle's Dad & Mom
And it's paid.

Chorus
What you want

Elle's Dad & Mom/Chorus
Is right in front of you, front of you!

Margot
Hey, everybody: It's the Spring Fling
Beer Bash Extreme

Frat Guys
Extreme!

Kate
Not for you! Time to study. Go!

Margot
This year's theme? Jamaican Me Crazy!

Frat Guys
HO!

Grandmaster Chad
What u want,
You wanna be out because the sun she warm?
What u want,
You wanna be study stuck inside ya dorm?
What u want?
You wanna be party with us all night long?
What u want?
You wanna be strong!

Kate & Margot
Be strong!

All
Who-oa!

Kate
One thirty four. Not good enough. Try
again. Go!

Grandmaster Chad
What u want,
You wanna be groovin' bumpin' shake
da room?
What u want,
You wanna be provin' sumpin' and
ta whom?
What u want,
You wanna be wond'rin' where ya youth
is gone?
What u want
You wanna hold on!

Elle
Hold on!

All
Who-oa!

Kate
One fifty one. Still not Harvard material...
Once again!! Go!

Grandmaster Chad
What u want,
You wanna be breathin' in the healthy air?
What u want,
You wanna be chasin' him and he don'
care?
What u want,
You wanna ignore the pity in their
looks?
What u want,
You wanna say "sorry, gotta hit me
books..."
What u want.
You wanna be sittin' like a lonely child?
What u want,
You wanna be drivin' all the fellas wild?
What u want,
You wanna be feelin' good to be alive...?

Elle
Love!
I'm doing this for love,
And that's how I'll survive.
(Handing test to KATE)
Here you go.
(To stoner)
I said no.
Go away!

Right here is where I'll stay,
Until that happy day...
That day I hear them say...

Kate
One seventy five!

Chorus
One seventy five!

Elle
One seventy five?

All
One seventy five! One seventy five!

Winthrop
So gentlemen, Harvard Law grants
admission to Adam Cohen and Sundeep
Padamadan.

Lowell
Outstanding.

Winthrop
And now "Ms. Elle Woods." Who was
kind enough to send in... a headshot.

Lowell
We should admit her! For reasons of...
um...

Pforzheimer
...Multiculturalism!

Lowell
...Multiculturalism!

Winthrop
Gentlemen, get a hold of yourselves!
...Oh look at that. What a shame. She
didn't bother sending in a personal
essay...

Pilar
How's this for a personal essay?

Chorus
What you want!

Lowell
Goodness me!

Chorus
What you want!

Winthrop
Security!

Chorus
What you want is right in--

Winthrop
Who are you?

Elle
I'm what you want! Harvard,
I'm the girl for you!

All
And to prove it's true?

Elle
We all flew here on Jet Blue!

Chorus
Thank you!

Jet Blue Pilot
Thank you.

Chorus
This is what Elle Woods inspires;
Ev'ryone admires her
And Harvard should too!

Winthrop
This is not a personal essay!

Elle & Chorus
Nope! An essay's so boring,
And so much does not fit.
So we're appearing live,
Right here!
Making clear, you must admit,
That Elle Woods
Should join the chosen few,
Harvard, what you want
Is right in front of...!

The UCLA Band and Cheer Team go into
their DANCE BREAK...

Elle
...May I approach?

Ensemble
...Uh huh!
...Oh, yeah!
...Go Elle!

WINTHROP grabs a whistle and blows
it, bringing the dance break to a crashing
halt.

Winthrop
Now SEE HERE, Ms. Woods!! You
can't just barge in here with singing and
dancing and... ethnic movement! This is
a very flashy presentation but I still don't
see one reason to admit you.

Elle
How about...
Love?
You ever been in love?
'Cause if you have, you'll know
That love never accepts a defeat,
No challenge it can't meet.
No place it cannot go.
Don't say no to a woman in love!
Don't laugh when I say love.
Don't think that I'm naive.
Because even a person who's smart,
Can listen to their heart' Can listen and believe.
So believe in what love can achieve!
Do you believe?

Pforzheimer
I do!

Elle
Do you believe?!

Lowell
Me too!

Admissions Guys & Chorus
Yes we believe in love,
(to Winthrop)
How 'bout you?!

Winthrop
...Welcome to Harvard!

All
Whoo-hoo!

Chorus
What you want!

Margot/Serena/Pilar
New we're set!

Chorus
What you want!

Margot/Serena/Pilar
Let's go get

Chorus
What you want!

Margot/Serena/Pilar/Chorus
It's right in front of you!
Front of you!

Chorus
What you want!

Margot/Serena/Pilar
Now we're done

Chorus
What you want!

Margot/Serena/Pilar
With step one!

Chorus
What you want!

Margot/Serena/Pilar/Chorus
It's right in front of you!
Front of you!

All
What you want!
What you want!
What you want!
What you want!

The Harvard Variations

Emmett
Hello, I'm Emmett Forrest. Welcome
to the hallowed halls of Harvard Law.
Let's go around and share a bit about
yourselves.

Aaron
Aaron Schultz.

I won a Fullbright and a Rhodes.
I write financial software codes.
But that''s a challenge I've outgrown--
How many yachts can one man own?

Some say that I'm a pompous creep.
Somehow I don't lose that much sleet.
Why bother with false modesty?
Harvard's the perfect place for me.

Emmett & Students
Pretty impressive.
Good to know.

Emmett
Welcome to Harvard

Padamadan
Wassup.

Enid
Yo.

Padamadan
Sundeep Agawal Padamadan. But you
may call me "Your Majesty."

In my country
My word was law,
But then I flee
Because of stupid coup d'etat.
But here, I learn.
I make new friends.
And soon, return
In bulletproof Mercedes Benz

Emmett & Students
Pretty impressive.
Good to know.

Emmett
Welcome to H-

Enid
Enid Hoopes!

I did the Peace Corps overseas,
inoculating refugees
In family clinics that I built myself from
mud and trees
I fought to clean up their lagoons
And save their rare
endangered loons
Then led a protest march against
insensitive cartoons.

Emmett & Students
Pretty impressive.
G--

Enid
But now I'm on the legal track,
Because this country's
out of whack,
And only women have the guts
to go and take it back.
We'll make the government come clean,
And get more people voting Green,
And really stick it to the phallocentric
war machine!

Elle enters and sees ENID.

Elle
I love your top! It's so fatigue chic.
Anyone know where I can find Criminal
Law 101 with Professor Callahan? And
Warner Huntington III?

Emmett
It's in Hauser. Over there, second
building on the left.

Elle
Thanks.

Aaron
I won a Fullbright and a Rhodes.
I write financial software codes.
Why bother with false modesty?
Harvard's the perfect place for me.

Padamadan
In my country
My word was law
But then I flee...

Enid
I did the Peace Corps overseas
Inoculating refugees
In family clinics that I built
myself from mud and trees

Warner/Vivenne/All Students
Harvard's the perfect place for me.

Warner
Harvard's the perfect
Place for...

Elle
Warner!

Students
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

Elle
Excuse me...

Students
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

Elle
...Pardon me...

Students
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

Elle
...Comin' through!

Students
Harvard's the perfect place for me.
Pretty impressive. Good to know.
Welcome to Harvard.

Warner
Elle?!

Elle
Hm? Omigod, Warner? I totally forgot
you go here!

Blood In The Water

Callahan
Now when you choose a law career,
The moment you embark;
There is that joke you're bound to hear:
"A lawyer is a shark."
Ignore that. It's simplistic and it's dumb.
Only some of you will turn out sharks,
just some.
The rest... are chum.

Our topic is
Blood in the Water.
Kids, it's time you faced:
Law school is a waste--
Oh yes. Unless you acquire a taste for
Blood in the Water
Dark and red and raw.
You're nothing until
The thrill of the kill
Becomes your only law.

Mr....Schultz, hypothetical question:
Would you be willing to defend the
following banker accused of fraud...

A kind old grandma took her savings
and she sent it
Off to your client all she saved since she
was born.
Well he promised to invest it, but he
spent it.
On prostitutes. And heroin. And porn.

Aaron
No. I wouldn't want to take that case!

Callahan
Wrong! This one is a win, unless
you're lazy.
Grandma's broke! she'll have some hack
from Legal Aid.
Put her on the stand and call her old
and crazy;
Your guy goes free, and he can get you high and laid.
Look for the
Blood in the Water.
Read your Thomas Hobbes:
Only spineless snobs
Will quarrel with the morally dubious
jobs.
Yes Blood in the Water,
Your scruples are a flaw.

Ms...Hoopes, hypothetical question:
Would you be the right lawyer for the
following client?

Say they offer you a bundle
for defending a famous hit man for the
Mafia elite.
Seems he missed his chosen prey,
Killed a nun and drove away,
Running over three cute puppies in
the street.

Enid
What, you think I wouldn't defend him
just because he's a typical man?

Callahan
Oh, you lesbians think you're so tough.

Enid
(apoplectic choking noises)

Callahan
Oh dear, I fear my comment has
offended.
Hard to argue, though, when you're too
mad to speak.
Your employment will be very quickly ended
When they see how your emotions make
you weak.

So what's my point? I run a billion-
dollar law firm.
And I hire four new interns ev'ry year.
From this class I will selent
Four young sharks whom I respect,
And those four will have a guarenteed
career.
Do you follow me?
So I wanna see...what?

Students
...Blood in the Water?

Callahan
Exactly.
Let the games begin.
Four of you will win...
But just those four
With a dorsal fin.
Yes! Blood in the Water.
So bit and scratch
And claw...

Yes. Ms...?

Elle
Woods. Elle Woods.

Callahan
Someone's had their morning coffee.
Would you summarize the case of State
of Indiana v. Hearne from your reading,
please.

Elle
Oh, I wanted to answer the puppy
question.

Callahan
But I'm asking you about the assigned
reading.

Elle
Okay, who assigns reading for the first
day of class?

Callahan
You have guts Ms. Woods. Ms...
Kensington...

Let us say you teach a class at Harvard
Law School--
A position that you're justly proud
about.
But a girl on whom you call
Hasn't read the case at all.
Should you let it go, or--

Vivenne
No. I'd throw her out.

Callahan
Alright then:
You heard your classmate.
You have just been killed.
She cut your throat,
So grab your coat,
Yes, you've got guts,

Callahan & Students
But now they're spilled!
Your...blood's in the water.

Callahan
So would you please withdraw?

Students
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Callahan
And if you return,
Be ready to learn,
...Or is that unfar?
...Oh wait: I don't care!
That's just how I rule,
In life as in school,
With fear and shock and awe!

Students
Ah ah ah ah awe!

Callahan
You're nothing until

Students
Blood in the Water...

Callahan
The thrill of the kill

Students
Blood in the Water...

Callahan
Becomes your only law!
Your only law!
Your only law!

Students
Blood in the Water...
Blood in the Water...
Blood in the Water...
Blood in the Water...

Positive

Serena
Honey, what you cryin' at?
You're not losing him to that!
Both her hair and shoes are flat!
and why is she so rude?

Margot
Wipe your tears: it's no big thing!
You were meant to wear his ring.
Cheer up! Chin up! It's time to bring

Margot/Serena/Pilar
A happy attitude

Greek Chorus
Keep it positive!

Margot
As you slap her to the floor!

Greek Chorus
Keep it positive!

Serena
As you pull her hair and call her
"whore!"

Pilar
You can take her in a fight!

Margot
You and he will reunite!

Margot/Serena/Pilar
You know we're right!

Greek Chorus
We're positive!
Kill her!

Elle
Girls. Girls.
Violence is never wise;
Not the way to win back guys.
Anyway she's twice my size.
Who's got a plan B?

Pilar
Uh, me!
Look at her: she's like a nun.
Show him you are way more fun!
Bust out the lap dance and you've won!
You off the hizzle, G!

Elle
What?

Greek Chorus
Keep it positive!

Margot
Yeah! Let out your inner freak!

Greek Chorus
Keep it positive!

Pilar
Miss Prissy Pants won't last a week!

Serena
You will whet his appetite!

Margot
You and he will reunite!

Margot/Serena/Pilar
You know we're right!

Greek Chorus
We're positive!
We're positive!
We're positive!
We're positive!

Elle
Omigod, you're making me sick.

Vivenne
Are we. Warner, let's take this back to
my place.

Greek Chorus
Aaaahhhh...Hey! Hey! Hey!
Be positive

Serena
That he loves you and not her...

Margot
You're hot-ter!

Pilar
And I betchya smar-ter!

Margot
She don't know the real him.

Pilar
You feel him!

Serena
So don't let her steal him!

Margot
Wake him up like

Margot/Serena/Pilar
Sleeping Beautay!

Serena
Turn his head with your

Margot/Serena/Pilar
Red hot bootay.
We'll bring the noise if you bring the
funk.

Pilar
It's postively time to

Margot/Serena/Pilar
Shake your junk!

Greek Chorus
Shake, shake, shake, shake,
Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake,
Whoo!

Elle
Girls! How is this helping? He's not even
here. He left! While we were shaking
junk!

Wait! Girls, I'm positive --
That we've taken this too far.
No, I'm positive;
This is Harvard, not a stripper bar!
All this trashy carrying on.
That's the reason that he's gone!
...I need a salon.

Greek Chorus
Yay!

Elle
Girls I'm positive--

Greek Chorus
Positive!

Elle
And try not to get upset -
But I'm positive

Greek Chorus
Positive!

Elle
That it's time for me to go brunette

Greek Chorus
What?!

Elle
Being blonde and being hot?
That got me exactly squat.
Gotta show him I got more to give!

Greek Chorus
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Elle
No! I'm positive!

Greek Chorus
You positive?

Elle
I'm positive!

Greek Chorus
You're positive?

Elle
I'm positive!

Greek Chorus
You're positive?
Really positive?

Elle & Greek Chorus
Positive!

Ireland

Paulette
Elle, do you know the number one reason
behind all bad hair decisions?

Love!
You're lost without your love.
Your heart is on the floor.
I can help you, I've been there before.
When I need to relax,
I just put on some tracks
From this CD I bought for the store...

Isn't that relaxing? It's called "Celtic Moods."

When I'm lonely or feeling dejected,
I play this and it never fails.
I pretend like I'm in... Ireland.
With Enya, and the whales.

Whales
(Whale noises)

Paulette
When my telephone gets disconnected,
Or I spend every night alone,
I pretend like I'm in Ireland.
Where the Irish bagpipes drone.

Smell the grass as a rainstorm is endin'.
People smile while I stroll past their
farms.
With a redheaded sailor named...
"Brendan!"
And we dance. Without moving our
arms.

In a bar once I met this guy, Dewey,
And he bought me like fourteen beers.
And he told me that he was from
Ireland.

So I lived with him ten years.
If I squinted he looked like my sailor,
Through my boozy, delusional fog.
But he dumped me for some slut named
"Kayla."
Took my trailer and took my dog.

In Ireland they know how to love you!
You embrace in the misty Irish breeze!
And if your Irish boy tires of you,
You're allowed to shoot him in the
knees.
Hey! You look like that poster for
Ireland:
Long blonde hair and that sweet sunny
face.
Oh no wait, that's the poster for
Sweden.
Oh screw it. I'll never see either place...

But a girl sweet as you has a future.
You have hope, as each new day dawns.
Girls like you always get to see...
Ireland.
Give my love to the leprechauns.

Whales
(Whale noises.)